A Fresh Start
by spygirl85
Summary: Jate. Thoughts and conversations about the events that shape Jack and Kate's relationship on LOST. Would they each be able to overcome their past?
1. Chapter 1

Just a short little one-parter I have in my head! Hope you like! This is Jack and Kate's thoughts about their kiss…PLEASE R&R! I'd appreciate it!

Disclaimer: I don't own anything related to Lost. That honor goes to J.J. Abrams and his amazing crew!

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* * *

__A day had gone by since the kiss…and I'm still as confused as ever_, thought Jack as he stood staring out over the ocean. He remembered finding Kate and asking her what had happened to Sawyer and why she had left him. She turned to run away but Jack caught her and she started crying and hitting him. All he could think do was hold her – all he _wanted _to do was hold her., thought Jack as he stood staring out over the ocean. He remembered finding Kate and asking her what had happened to Sawyer and why she had left him. She turned to run away but Jack caught her and she started crying and hitting him. All he could think do was hold her – all he to do was hold her. 

Then it happened – they kissed. It was a passionate kiss; one filled with longing and desire. But then she pulled away and ran. It was painful to see her run again and it left Jack hurt and confused. As he played that kiss over and over in his head, he couldn't stop wondering, _Did it really mean anything?_

He remembered liking it – loving it, actually – but Kate seemed so confused and tired that Jack couldn't even begin to guess where their relationship stood. Since that fated kiss 24 hours ago, Kate and Jack had managed to tactfully avoid talking to each other. But Jack knew they had to talk about it. Jack knew that he had to find out where Kate stood – especially after hearing Sawyer's confession of love, which had bothered Jack more than he cared to admit.

He cared for Kate – everyone on the island knew that – but did his feelings for her go beyond that? Did her feelings for him go beyond that? _I still have so much baggage to work through – so many broken relationships that need mending. Kate deserves someone better to love her._ _So I finally admitted it_, thought Jack, _I love Kate_. _I love everything about her. She's beautiful and strong, yet vulnerable. She's kind and caring and despite her past, she has a good heart. _

As Jack stood thinking about Kate, a smile grew on his lips as a picture of her came into his head. But then, his mind wandered back to the kiss…_Did it really mean anything?_ From his perspective, it meant A LOT, but from Kate's…he had no idea. She was the one who kissed him…_But she has just as much baggage to work through as I do_. _I have to know where we stand. I have to know if it meant something to Kate. _So Jack, determined and ready, turned around and headed into the jungle hoping to find Kate…and some answers.

_

* * *

__I still can't believe I kissed him,_ thought Kate as she sat on a rock, staring into the clear, cool water. _I was so confused, so tired…and now I just made things worse._ Her thoughts ran back to the kiss she had shared with Jack. Jack, the hero that he was, went looking for her after finding Sawyer on the ground of the Hatch. He was angry, she could tell, and wanted to know what had happened. But then he had seen her face, how upset she looked and he had held her. Kate had tried to fight it, but he just held her and told her it was alright. thought Kate as she sat on a rock, staring into the clear, cool water. Her thoughts ran back to the kiss she had shared with Jack. Jack, the hero that he was, went looking for her after finding Sawyer on the ground of the Hatch. He was angry, she could tell, and wanted to know what had happened. But then he had seen her face, how upset she looked and he had held her. Kate had tried to fight it, but he just held her and told her it was alright. 

Then, it happened. She kissed him. Kate had no idea what was going through her mind, but she knew she felt safe in Jack's arms. With everything that had happened in her life, she finally felt safe, like she didn't have to run. The kiss was passionate and deep. There was longing there – from both of them. But then panic hit.

_What am I doing? _That was the only thing that ran through Kate's head. And in an instant, she pulled away…and ran. Jack called out and tried to stop her, but she knew he was just as confused as she felt. She knew she hurt him, and that pained her. Jack held a special place in her heart. Sure, she had admitted she felt something for Sawyer, but Jack…_He's so amazing! He has such a good heart. I know he's been hurt and I know he has baggage just like me, but he's brave and rises above it. I've never met someone with such a great sense of commitment. He's truly a gentleman. And that smile…_

As her thoughts turned to Jack, she couldn't help but smile. He made her feel safe and wanted. He never judged her, despite knowing parts of her past. And now she had hurt him. Maybe even damaged their relationship. _Why did I do it? Why did I have to run from the man I love? _She had finally admitted it to herself. She loved Jack. But she wasn't good enough for him. She could never be a part of his world. If they ever got off this island, their lives would be too different.

_I can't let myself keep falling for Jack. I don't want to hurt him anymore. Kissing him meant the world to me, but I was confused. Running away from him is all I can do…it's all I know to do. It might kill me inside, but I don't want anyone else to suffer because of what I've done. _With a sinking feeling in her heart, Kate bent down and splashed some water on her face, hoping to relieve some of the pain she felt inside. As she moved from her spot on the rock, she came face to face with the one person she had been trying to avoid…

"Jack."

* * *

"Hey Kate," Jack said, putting a small smile on his lips, "I was hoping I'd find you. Could we talk for a minute…about the…well, about what happened?"

Kate stood there, trying to think of any excuse to avoid this conversation. "Well…" she began. But then, she looked at Jack; looked into his eyes and saw the same hurt and confusion she felt. She knew that no matter what happened in the future, she couldn't just let him hurt. "Sure, Jack. Um, you wanna sit down?"

"You sure this is OK?" asked Jack. "I mean, I don't want to keep you from anything. Unless of course you were planning on going to watch Sawyer…I wouldn't really mind keeping you from that."

Jack looked over and smiled at Kate, hoping to break the ice a little. It had worked as Kate let out a small laugh and replied, "Well, since you put it that way…"

There was a moment of silence before Jack just jumped in and asked, "So Kate…Why did you do it?"

There it was. The same question she had asked herself. The answer was so easy, yet so complicated.

Jack continued asking, "Why did you kiss me? I mean, I could tell something was wrong. Why did you kiss me and then run? I would've listened to whatever was going on."

"I know Jack," Kate began. "That's the thing. You're so good and so supportive. You never judge me."

This answer just left Jack more confused. "So then why did you pull away?"

Kate looked away from Jack and simply said, "Because it's what I do best."

"Kate, I don't understand…"

"I know you don't Jack, because I don't understand myself. It was a confusing time for me. I was tired and some old ghosts were coming back to haunt me. When I saw you in the jungle, I just wanted to run again. But then you held me and I felt…safe. And then that scared me too, because so many people in my life have either let me down or…" She couldn't say the word "died." She had loved Tom and that had only ended badly. If she let herself love again, she hated to think of Jack dead.

"Or what?" asked Jack. "Kate, I don't want you to feel like you have to tell me anything about your past. I told you, we all have a fresh start on this island. God knows I need it."

"Yeah, right Jack. You're the most together person I've met in a long time."

"No, seriously Kate. I know I haven't shared my past with many people, but I have ghosts that haunt me too. I've let people down and they've let me down. People think I'm brave. Well, I'm not. I'm just as afraid of losing people as you are. Even more so since…well, that's not important. But Kate, look at you. You're brave. Despite all that's happened in your life, you still have a good heart. You still have compassion. But me, I can't seem to let go of the past…"

"Neither can I Jack. That's why I keep running. That's why I pushed you away. I don't want to hurt you…and I know I did and I'm so sorry for that." As she said this, Kate looked directly into Jack's eyes. She needed him to know that she meant this with all her heart.

Jack returned Kate's gaze and reached out his hand to caress her face and said, "I know you didn't." Kate's heart skipped a beat as his hand gently touched her face and she closed her eyes, taking in the moment.

"Kate?" Jack began as he dropped his hand, "I don't know how long we'll be on this island, but I need you to know something."

Kate opened her eyes, a certain fear crawling back into her heart as she started to protest, "Jack…"

"No, Kate, let me finish," Jack said matter-of-factly. "I care about you…I care for you. When you kissed me, I hadn't felt that alive in…well, in a long time. All the fears of the island, and the fears of my past just seemed to disappear. But when you pulled away, it hurt. I spent the whole day on the beach thinking about it and wondering if it meant anything to you; if I meant anything to you. I know if…when we get rescued, things will be different, but who knows how long that will be, and well I just want you to know that you, well…you can talk to me whenever."

Jack had wanted to tell her how he truly felt. That he loved her and wanted to protect her forever. But he knew this wasn't the time or the place. He needed her to know that she could trust him. He needed her to know that whatever happened, he would always be there for her.

"Jack," Kate began as she looked at Jack, "I didn't kiss you for nothing. I may have been tired and confused, but I wasn't incoherent. I knew what I was doing. When you held me, I knew I could trust you, so I kissed you and all my fears left me for that small instant…and that scared me. I had been running for so long that it scared me to finally trust someone again."

"So, you're saying that it was a nice kiss…" Jack asked coyly.

At this Kate laughed and answered, "You're a very good kisser Dr. Shepherd."

They both laughed and Kate saw Jack's wonderful smile again. She, too, wanted to tell Jack how she truly felt, but knew that neither of them was ready for it yet. It was enough that Jack was there for her.

"Jack," Kate broke the silence, "I hope you know that, despite my inclination to run…well, you can talk to me. I know things will be so different when we're rescued and that things will never be like they were here, but…I'm here for you too."

Jack looked over and caught Kate's gaze before she could turn away and simply said, "I know."

In that moment, a whole mess of emotions passed between them. They understood each other. Even though neither of their pasts was completely clear to the other, they understood that the future held hope. Whatever happens, they would always have each other. They both had issues to work through, but they were willing to wait. Their love for each other could wait. Of course they both wanted to embrace each other and once again share a kiss that would wipe away everything. But they knew better than that. The wounds were too deep right now. But time would heal those wounds.

As they both dropped their gaze, Kate inched closer to Jack and laid her head on his shoulder. Jack gently let his arm drape around her as he closed the remaining gap between them. They both felt a burden lift from their shoulders as they sat quietly in each other's company. After all, everyone deserves a fresh start.

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Well, let me know what you think! Any input would be greatly appreciated! God bless! 


	2. Chapter 2

Author's Note: Ok, so everyone who reviewed was so kind! Thank you so much for the nice comments! And, so, I decided to continue on with this story! What I decided to do was take events that happen between Jack and Kate in different episodes and have them reflect on what happened and hopefully talk through some issues…Won't be exactly consistent with what happens on the show, but I'm gonna try to stay pretty close!

Anyway, this second chapter takes place after episode 2.11 "The Hunting Party." Enjoy! And as always, read and review if you have the time! 

Disclaimer: Everything about LOST belongs to J.J. Abrams and his team.

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As Kate sat next to Sun, sorting through the different seeds they had collected, her mind kept wandering to the day's events…and Jack, of course. She looked out at the sun setting across the ocean, knowing his silhouette was still there. _Why do I always seem to disappoint him? But he shouldn't have told me what to do? He knows me better than that…especially since we talked by that waterfall._

She smiled a little as she thought about their time together at the waterfall. They seemed to finally understand each other. But that didn't last very long. Jack had been acting kind of weird. _Was it because I was with Sawyer? But Jack knows I don't like Sawyer "in that way?" Jack knows I care for him deeper than I ever could for Sawyer? He knows I love him…_But then she remembered that neither of them had completely shared how they felt, and so the tension that had been there before seemed to slowly creep back into their lives.

It hit an all-time high when Jack told her, or more like yelled, that she wasn't going to join the search party for Michael. Kate couldn't believe it. Jack had never yelled at her like that before. Sure he'd been protective, but he'd never stopped her from going. _But was he being protective? He's been acting so…different for the past couple days. Was there something else wrong that he hasn't told me?_

But Kate felt like it'd be useless to talk to him now. He couldn't even look her in the eyes. That painful memory of being taken by the Others after following Jack…and then being used as a bargaining tool. She'd been scared – terrified – but then she heard the leader talking to Jack. She knew everything would be alright. No matter how many times she had disappointed Jack, she knew she could always count on him.

_He's like that – so faithful and committed. But when they uncovered my face and I saw Jack…the look he had…he looked so…hurt – almost like I had betrayed him somehow. And then when they let me go and Sawyer untied me, all he asked was if I was OK. He didn't even look at me. Even on the way back to the beach, he barely talked to me. I tried…I really tried to tell him I was sorry, but he didn't even forgive me._

As Kate glanced at Jack sitting by the ocean, so many emotions ran through her. She needed Jack to understand her. She _needed_ Jack to forgive her. So, Kate excused herself from Sun and slowly made her way to where Jack sat. She prayed that he would listen…that he would look at her and see the pain she felt.

* * *

Jack sat in the sand staring out into the vast blue ocean thinking about all that happened that day. He'd been doing that a lot lately…thinking. Mostly about Kate. _I thought we had worked it out. I thought we could finally trust each other. But after what happened…after what could've happened, I can't even look her in the eyes. _

After their talk a couple days ago, Jack had thought him and Kate could have a fresh start. They had sat by the waterfall for the longest time just enjoying each other's company. Everything just felt right. But then that never lasts long. Kate went back to check on Sawyer and even gave him a haircut. _I tried to put on a good face, but knowing that Sawyer has feelings for Kate, and Kate clearly enjoying his company…I felt like my heart had been broken all over again._

And then, he had blown up at Kate AND Sawyer when they went looking for Michael. He didn't want Kate to come. Period. Jack knew this could be dangerous and didn't want to risk anything…especially Kate. _But a part of me feels betrayed, too. Why? Why did she turn to Sawyer again? And why did I let my jealousy get the better of me? Hmm, so I admitted I'm jealous? But it's too late again. It seems like it's always too late._

Jack thought back to when they finally encountered "the Others." He was scared enough as it was with that weird man standing in front of them, telling them that it was "their" island. _Did they think we actually wanted to be here? _

And then they brought her out. They brought Kate out, tied and gagged. Jack's heart sunk lower than it ever had before as he stared at the one woman on this island who made him feel like maybe he could start over and forget his past. But she had followed them, and they were all at the mercy of the Others now. _Why, Kate? Why couldn't you just stay behind like I asked? _

Then he heard that awful man counting and telling Jack he needed to make a choice. _Does he really think I'd let her die?_ He heard himself say "wait" as he slowly put his rifle down and backed away. He could barely move and was still shaken up by the fear that had invaded his heart when he thought he might not be able to save Kate. All he could manage to ask was if she was OK…he couldn't look at her. Even on the way back to the beach he avoided her as best he could.

As Jack turned his gaze from the water, he saw Kate sitting next to Sun. _She apologized. She probably thinks I'm mad at her, but how can I face her? I don't want to lose someone else who means so much to me. I'm sick of caring for people when they'll just turn their backs on me…like my father, and Sa…_ He couldn't even finish this thought as memories of his ex-wife came flooding back. _Kate knows I care for her…but does she know just how much? Maybe I just care too much? I can't lose someone I…love. Not again. _

Jack looked out over the water again. The crashing waves mirrored the emotions of his heart as he thought about Kate and the way she made him feelHe was so deep in thought that he didn't even notice the footsteps heading his way. Then his heart stopped as he heard her voice.

"Hey Jack."

* * *

Although he already knew who was standing right beside him, Jack turned his head slightly toward the voice.

"Can I join you?" Kate asked. Jack could hear the almost pleading tone to her voice, but all he could do was continue staring out across the ocean. Maybe hoping his silence was enough. But then she asked another question – one that Jack had been contemplating only a few moments before.

"Are you just going to ignore me forever Jack?"

All he could think to answer was, "What, like you did after that kiss? I'm not you, Kate. I don't run from everything."

Kate couldn't believe those words had just come out of his mouth. _He_ was the one who wouldn't look at her…even now. _He_was the one who wouldn't talk to her. And now he had just opened up one of the deepest wounds in her heart. She wanted to cry, but managed to hold it in as she spat out, "Jack, how can you say that? I thought you knew me better than that?"

Before Kate could continue, Jack cut in, "Yeah, I thought I knew you better than that, too. But you're always full of surprises, Kate."

Kate couldn't hold it in any longer and the tears just spilled out. Did Jack know how much he was hurting her? But she wasn't giving up and she sat down next to him. Kate once again tried to get him to look at her and said, "Jack, we _need _to talk."

But he still wouldn't look at her. "Jack, _please_. _Please_, just look at me." She couldn't take it anymore and Kate finally just reached out her hand, taking Jack's face and forcing him to look at her.

And Jack couldn't believe what he saw. Kate's face was streaked with tears…tears he had caused. Jack had been so focused on controlling his emotions around Kate, that he had deeply hurt her in the process. As he finally looked her in the eyes, she dropped her hand and wiped some of the tears from her face.

"Kate…I'm…I'm so sorry." Jack's words were barely above a whisper, but he said them with such heartfelt conviction.

"It's OK, Jack." And echoing his words earlier that day she added, "I'm sorry, too."

There was a moment of silence before Kate continued, not wanting to let this moment pass them by. "Why didn't you want me to go with you?"

"Because I didn't want you to get hurt." The way Jack said it, it almost sounded like he had rehearsed it before.

But Kate wasn't buying it. "No, Jack. I don't think that's it. I know you've been concerned about my safety before, but this was…different. You've always tried to protect me, but you've never ordered me like that. It's like that conversation we had a couple days ago never existed…like we didn't understand each other all over again."

So she had seen through his answer. She had seen through his attempt to rationalize his behavior. Now he actually had to give her an answer. So he slowly began, "It's complicated, Kate. I don't know if you'd really understand."

"Well, I don't see a rescue plane, so I think we've got some time. Make me understand, Jack."

Jack sighed, taking a moment to gather his thoughts. "When you asked to go, I knew it would be dangerous and I honestly didn't want you to get hurt. I shouldn't have yelled at you like I did, but I was stressed. I guess you could say that my past was haunting me."

At this, Jack gave a little smile as he almost repeated the same words Kate had told him when they had talked about their kiss. Kate returned his smile, encouraging him to continue. But he didn't.

"Jack, that can't be all?" asked Kate. "What happened to you, Jack? Why can't you share your past with me? Why can't you tell me something real about yourself?"

"There are some things that are just too painful to talk about, Kate. You understand that better than anyone." Jack turned his gaze back to the ocean and continued, "When we talked after the kiss – our kiss – it felt so good to know that we were on the same page. I know we both have a lot we need to work through, but I really felt like we would be OK."

"So did I, Jack. That's why I was so confused when you didn't want me to go. And after the whole thing with the Others, you wouldn't even look at me. Sawyer, of all people, was the one who comforted me."

The mention of the name Sawyer tugged at that jealous spot in Jack's heart and he inwardly winced. "Yeah, that must have been rough," Jack added sarcastically, hoping to disguise his pain.

"It was," Kate said, "Especially since I wanted you to forgive me and tell me that it was all OK." Kate had wanted to say that it had been hard because she just wanted Jack to hold her and make her feel safe again, but now didn't seem like the perfect time.

"I do forgive you, Kate," Jack interjected. "It was just so hard imagining you in one of those graves…like Boone or Shannon. No one is safe on this island. And when they brought you out, I realized that there might be a time when I couldn't save you."

"You can't save everyone, Jack," Kate said blankly as she stared down at the sand. Knowing that Jack cared that much about her touched her heart and her love for him grew deeper. But she knew that Jack wasn't telling her everything.

As Jack looked at Kate, her beautiful features outlined by the sunset, he felt tired. He just wanted everything to be the way it had been…before all the secrets and lies. So many people had told him that he couldn't save everyone and that he couldn't fix everything, but he had proven them wrong so many times. But the truth in Kate's words struck him and he said, "I know I can't. I've been realizing that more and more on this island."

"So much for fresh starts," Kate added lifting her head.

Jack let out a small laugh and said, "Yeah. This island doesn't seem to want us to forget our pasts." As Jack said this he thought of Sarah and how she had hurt him. He knew he was to blame for their failed marriage, and he had wanted to fix it. But she left anyway.

Jack wanted so desperately to fix the distance between him and Kate. But he feared that if he tried, he might just fail again – that Kate might just give up on him and turn to someone else…to Sawyer, maybe? None of his fears were vocalized and Jack knew it'd take time for that to happen…on both their parts.

Jack still sat, staring at Kate. She turned her head and those amazing eyes, so full of emotion, stared back at him. He gave her a small smile and she returned it, but they both quickly drew their gaze back to the ocean…back to a place where their pasts weren't constantly reminding them of their failures. Back to the crashing waves that seemed to understand that a fresh start might not be as easy they thought.

* * *

OK, so what'd you think? Was it a worthy follow-up? I decided to let their still be cause for tension b/w Jack and Kate as it seems like there will some tension for some time on the show. Anyway, hope you enjoyed this…God bless. Oh, there **will** be more to come, but it might be a few weeks as I'm starting a new semester soon! 


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